Every Second Counts

I have never had such a rush of emotions in my life, in just a matter of seconds. Today my cousin, her husband, and their two children came over to help put up a couple of ceiling fans in my house, and then we all had a late lunch. There was half a cheese burger left over from lunch, so I decided to cut it up for Jonny for dinner.
I cut up the half cheeseburger, but I didn't give him the outside of the burger, because it tends to get a bit tougher. I also cut up some green beans, and put some of that on Jonny's tray. I turned around to the kitchen counter to cut up some potatoes from some leftover potato salad. When I turned around Jonny had a horrified look on his face, he was not making any noise, and he was not breathing.
I didn't even have a second to think. I screamed for my husband who was outside with the dogs, I ripped the tray off of the high chair, picked him up and put his belly over my arm and hit his back. Food came flying out of his mouth, but he still wasn't making noise or breathing. I put my finger in his mouth, scooped some burger out, and hit him on the back again. He took a big breath in and started crying.
I started balling my eyes out too! I huge sigh of relief!!

I went from everything was fine and dandy making dinner, to terrified, to relief, to guilty, to upset, to relief, to okay.

I was terrified to turn around and see my child not breathing. There are not enough words in the world to describe how scared I was. I have taken many CPR courses, but nothing can prepare you to have to actually use any of it. You can practice and practice and practice, but you never know for sure if you are going to do it right. And all bets are off when it's your own child. I have done the hymlick on my step-sister when we were much younger, but it is way different when it's for a child. And when it was not my child I was able to hold myself together much better.
When he finally took a breath I was so relieved, but I felt guilty. What if I didn't turn around when I did? I should not have even turned around at all. I should have watched him for more than the first bite, and made sure he was going to do okay with the burger. I felt so guilty and upset with myself. I was so relieved that he was okay, I was crying myself. I sat down on the floor and I cried, and I kissed him, and I told him how much I loved him.

All of this happened in a matter of seconds. I know that I love my child more than my life it's self, but in a matter of seconds I actually knew how it could feel to lose him. I think I will value every second of my life a little more than I did before. I know how blessed I am to have him in my life, and I never want that feeling again.

Thank God for all of the CPR courses I have taken!